Authentic Teacher?

My family grew up in nature, on an acreage in a small town in Saskatchewan. All my childhood and teenaged life I moved at a pace or vibration that was in tune with nature's pulse. My mother taught me spirituality as it was guided by my heart. I remember searching and questioning my greater purpose for being here when I was still in single digits. As an adult I live in the city - the vibration is different here. Nature grounds me in a way that allows me to be myself. This is the reason I love snowboarding so much! I get to feel the wind on my face, crisp air in my lungs and move in a way that makes me feel alive! Fresh Air! It's what I miss about travel. It's what I miss about my life! In St. Albert - I'm quick to get outside to shovel my driveway because I get to be outside in the fresh air! Nature gives time to slowdown, to process, to get in tune. To me, nature and spirituality are one.

I didn't notice this vibrational difference at first. I hadn't spent too much time in Calgary consecutively. I travelled Australia, moved back to Saskatoon, traveled Thailand, traveled Canada. Calgary was essentially my homebase on and off for about 9 years. As Calgary changed, grew, evolved and boomed into what is known world wide as a one of the Oil & Gas capitals, the vibration changed. My partner and I left in the middle of it and moved to New Zealand. It was only once I got to New Zealand that I was reminded how much I love nature. The pace of life there was "cruisey." People put down their pens or hammers when the surf was good. Businesses were closed on Sunday's and had modified hours on Saturdays. Forget going to the bank after 4:30 any day of the week where we were living!

New Zealand reminded me that I need to be in nature to stay grounded so I can breathe! To be honest though - I did not see this right away. It's something I have learned in hind-sight.

It's amazing how nature parallels spirituality in my life. The more connected I am with nature, the more connected I am with spirit. In 2006, coming home from New Zealand showed me that in a raw way. (again - not right away, in hind-sight). We went from chilled out ocean front living in a culture that lives in harmony with nature's cycles, to BOOM-ing Calgary! Wowsa! People were doing the jobs of many, money was drawn in from the entire world through the oil and gas industry. From my work post on Stephen Avenue, right in the heart of downtown Calgary, I watched. I saw many beautiful, bright and loving people. As I spent more time in the concrete jungle away from nature, started to see the dark. I watched "Average Joe's" change into people who worked too much - I noticed the loneliness - I noticed people with waaaaay too much money and not enough love. With these traits together I saw good people make bad decisions. The greed and unquenchable thirst that pervaded the beautiful city of Calgary was astounding. I couldn't help but see this all as manic behaviour! Everything from the crazy rise in the price of housing, pocket millionaires, the hours people worked, the indulgence, the lust! Everyday, with pure amazement, I watched this go on. (When I read the Bhagavad Gita for the first time last year - Chapter 16 spelled out what I saw in some Calgary sub-cultures).

Me - being the one who likes to explore, did. I thought I would be able to maintain myself though it - but if one lesson my dad taught me rang true at this time, it was:  "You are who you hang around with!" It was a lot of fun. Not all the best decisions were made - but I learned a LOT in the process. The biggest being that my consciousness wouldn't let me stick around to dance with the devil for too long. It had to stop. I had to shift my focus of what I saw in the city I fell in love with many years earlier.

The experience taught me so much realness, so much compassion, love, understanding, commitment, so much filth, hurt and pain. It taught me how important using power for good really is - big or small. It taught me the dark side of passion. It inspired me to work toward building something to get people out into nature (I'll save my vision for another post).

It taught me how transparent I am. How much I'm willing to share. It taught me that really good people can make really big mistakes and they should be forgiven. It helps me to spot my true friends. True friends are those I can share my darkest hour with and they allow me to have it, help me to grow out of it and learn from my experience.

Today, winter solstice, the darkest day of the year - I have been contemplating the days I danced in the dark. I have been contemplating my own pureness. I've been asking myself; am I a fake as a yoga teacher or am I an authentic teacher? As I contemplated this, I found three quotes:

"I found my purpose by going straight into what scared me. Whatever brings you to the mat - alcoholism, abuse, divorce - will be the place from where you'll serve." ~Seane Corn

"full awakening comes when you sincerely look at yourself, deeper than you've imagined and question everything." ~Adyashanti

"Those old habits don't have to be erased, they just become replaced by a new habit that is more in vibrational harmony with who you are and what you want." ~Abraham

My experience has freed me from judgment and moved me to understanding. It helps me to foster more love and compassion for those "bad" people. There are no "bad" people, only ignorant or good people making bad choices and they shall be forgiven. It drives me deeper into my understanding of myself and I know I am not bound to the decisions of my past. My experience IS what makes me an authentic teacher. Beyond all the studying of the practice, the philosophies, the eight limbs of classical yoga. Beyond all the workshops, all the trainings, all the daily practice - who I am at the root, at the core is what makes me authentic. The fact that I am me and I learn from my mistakes and am not afraid to share,  makes me an authentic teacher. The realness that is Jana Renee is the authenticness that makes me a teacher. The only place I can teach from is experience, it is the only thing I know. I remind myself every day that these experiences are mine alone and not to apply my life onto others. However, I can have compassion from a place of an open mind and an open heart - that is what helps to build me as an authentic teacher.

My girlfriend Juliana said to me the other day, "The dark has no choice to become light if even just one candle is lit." I feel that even though I danced in the dark, I left a light wherever I stepped.