I am a lot of things. Ask anyone who's known me over 10 years. I am so many different things to so many different people. Just as we all are! Each different person in my life has their own idea of who I am and each are valid. Different people bring out different sides of me. There is only one who knows the big picture of who I truly am. The big guy. Yup, that's right not even me. I know what I know about me and the quest for understanding myself is never ending. I understand that there's a veil of illusion (Maya - for my yoga nerd friends) that we are all under and the journey to enlightenment is the path of deeper understanding of the self. Each layer of myself that is revealed to myself takes me deeper into understanding the Universe. Yah, that's an ongoing contemplation. Wow.
I have been so far geographically and expanded in ways I never thought imaginable. Seems strange really. How would I even begin to explain who I am? It's overwhelming. All my life my parents told me: "You can do anything you want to do. You can be whomever you want to be. You just have to put your Heart and Soul into it. You will become a Master."
Anything I want? Really? ANYTHING? Wow! There are lots of things I want to learn about. And I want to explore because there are lots of aspects about this Universe I don't even know about yet. How do I know what I really want, if I don't even know about everything yet? If I don't know, how do I even know that I don't know!?!?! Oh WOW! This is really overwhelming!
The other day, a friend of mine started laughing as she thought out loud about all the things I have been over the last 10 years of our friendship. She proceeded to make a list of things: a figure skater, a waitress, a friend, a bartender, a traveller, a University student, a flight attendant, a marketer, an advertiser, a yoga student, a daughter, a sister, a support, a volunteer, a mistake maker, a wakeboarder, a snowboarder, a soul searcher, a star gazer, a philosopher, an explorer, a recycler, a wanderer, an event management student, an event planner, a fun sharer, a smiler, a coach, a mischievous spirit, a lover, an auntie, a cousin, a liberator, a mediator, a meditator, an experiencer, a creator, an encourager, a facilitator, a gardener, a listener, a blabber, a spirit chaser, a questioner and the list goes on... often these things would overlap. And now - a yoga teacher! She's right, I am really so many things - I am dark and light and everything in between. I am a human full of emotions, exploring this world with open eyes, opens arms and an open heart. I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. I thank everyone around me who lets me be me and helps to create the fullness that I am.
She laughed even harder thinking about how I tried so many things and seemed to have no focus. I would get into one thing, pack my bags and travel, come home and be into something completely different. Then she said - I don't think the yoga thing's going to fall away. I asked her why. She told me that even though I had been all these things, the root of everything along the way is that I had the ability to connect with people on a soul level. No conversation stayed surface with me for too long.
This made sense to me. I know in my heart that yoga's here to stay. It's the underlying practice that has been consistent through all my travels, experiences and mistakes. I love the community. It teaches to live from my heart, live my truth, be pure with my thoughts. All things I strive for. My focus is my heart. To live from my heart. To connect with the heart of others.
Yoga also gives me focus. I am humbled each time I learn something new (daily). There is so much to this world, this universe, that to think for even a second that any of us know everything is ridiculous! What yoga does is give me a framework from which to explore the universe and my heart.
Recently, I met a woman who has blown my mind over and over with her music. She has a way of singing exactly what I need to hear. Although I've been listening to her music for some time now (as has the rest of the world), this song especially stands out as consciously go down this path of understanding myself and uncovering my heart's deepest desires. This woman always sings with full emotion from her heart. Shows her vulnerability along with her strength. She is so truly her that her words inspire the masses. The coolest thing I saw when I met her is that she's so grounded and normal. Along with her twin brother, Wade, and my friend Geordie, we all hung out just like I'd hang out with any of my best friends. I felt like I fit in and there was never a moment that anyone of us four was greater or lesser than the other. (Except for that silent moment after about half an hour in when I realized that I was sitting beside one of the more powerful women of our time. It passed when she cracked another joke!) She may be one of the coolest chics I've ever met!
I downloaded an iTunes exclusive album of hers after we met. Before each song, she explains her inspiration. I feel like today - I heard what she had to say about her song "Everything" for the first time. She said: "My aspiration has been about being transparent as I can possibly be. The more visible I've become...the more peaceful I've become. I fell like there's less to hide. There's so much energy that goes into hiding and secrecy. (She defines the difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy = fear / creates separateness). Being transparent is...a courageous act, it's a loving act. It also relates us to each other because I feel like if we were to put everything out on the table we'ed be really shocked to see the thread of continuity that connects us all. The biggest suffering moments for me are when I really do feel separate from people. ...It (the song) also points toward what unconditional love would feel like. When I hear that song it shifts my cells to the point where I can actually feel what unconditional love feels like just listening to it. It really encapsulates what the last few years of my life has really been about. It's been about, not only trying to attract into my life people who love me as unconditionally as the song describes, but for me to accept those parts of myself, you know? So, not wanting to be this perfect, good, happy person. But also not wanting to sort of drown in my own depression and cynicism, you know, and having everything in between be ok."
Couldn't have said it better about my own life Alanis! Thank you!
Check out this video to see what I'm saying:
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