Who am I, really?

I am a lot of things. Ask anyone who's known me over 10 years. I am so many different things to so many different people. Just as we all are! Each different person in my life has their own idea of who I am and each are valid. Different people bring out different sides of me. There is only one who knows the big picture of who I truly am. The big guy. Yup, that's right not even me. I know what I know about me and the quest for understanding myself is never ending. I understand that there's a veil of illusion (Maya - for my yoga nerd friends) that we are all under and the journey to enlightenment is the path of deeper understanding of the self. Each layer of myself that is revealed to myself takes me deeper into understanding the Universe. Yah, that's an ongoing contemplation. Wow.

I have been so far geographically and expanded in ways I never thought imaginable. Seems strange really. How would I even begin to explain who I am? It's overwhelming. All my life my parents told me: "You can do anything you want to do. You can be whomever you want to be. You just have to put your Heart and Soul into it. You will become a Master."

Anything I want? Really? ANYTHING? Wow! There are lots of things I want to learn about. And I want to explore because there are lots of aspects about this Universe I don't even know about yet. How do I know what I really want, if I don't even know about everything yet? If I don't know, how do I even know that I don't know!?!?! Oh WOW! This is really overwhelming!

The other day, a friend of mine started laughing as she thought out loud about all the things I have been over the last 10 years of our friendship. She proceeded to make a list of things: a figure skater, a waitress, a friend, a bartender, a traveller, a University student, a flight attendant, a marketer, an advertiser, a yoga student, a daughter, a sister, a support, a volunteer, a mistake maker, a wakeboarder, a snowboarder, a soul searcher, a star gazer, a philosopher, an explorer, a recycler, a wanderer, an event management student, an event planner, a fun sharer, a smiler, a coach, a mischievous spirit, a lover, an auntie, a cousin, a liberator, a mediator, a meditator, an experiencer, a creator, an encourager, a facilitator, a gardener, a listener, a blabber, a spirit chaser, a questioner and the list goes on... often these things would overlap. And now - a yoga teacher! She's right, I am really so many things - I am dark and light and everything in between. I am a human full of emotions, exploring this world with open eyes, opens arms and an open heart. I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. I thank everyone around me who lets me be me and helps to create the fullness that I am.

She laughed even harder thinking about how I tried so many things and seemed to have no focus. I would get into one thing, pack my bags and travel, come home and be into something completely different. Then she said - I don't think the yoga thing's going to fall away. I asked her why. She told me that even though I had been all these things, the root of everything along the way is that I had the ability to connect with people on a soul level. No conversation stayed surface with me for too long.

This made sense to me. I know in my heart that yoga's here to stay. It's the underlying practice that has been consistent through all my travels, experiences and mistakes. I love the community. It teaches to live from my heart, live my truth, be pure with my thoughts. All things I strive for. My focus is my heart. To live from my heart. To connect with the heart of others.

Yoga also gives me focus. I am humbled each time I learn something new (daily). There is so much to this world, this universe, that to think for even a second that any of us know everything is ridiculous! What yoga does is give me a framework from which to explore the universe and my heart.

Recently, I met a woman who has blown my mind over and over with her music. She has a way of singing exactly what I need to hear. Although I've been listening to her music for some time now (as has the rest of the world), this song especially stands out as consciously go down this path of understanding myself and uncovering my heart's deepest desires. This woman always sings with full emotion from her heart. Shows her vulnerability along with her strength. She is so truly her that her words inspire the masses. The coolest thing I saw when I met her is that she's so grounded and normal. Along with her twin brother, Wade, and my friend Geordie, we all hung out just like I'd hang out with any of my best friends. I felt like I fit in and there was never a moment that anyone of us four was greater or lesser than the other. (Except for that silent moment after about half an hour in when I realized that I was sitting beside one of the more powerful women of our time. It passed when she cracked another joke!) She may be one of the coolest chics I've ever met!

I downloaded an iTunes exclusive album of hers after we met. Before each song, she explains her inspiration. I feel like today - I heard what she had to say about her song "Everything" for the first time. She said: "My aspiration has been about being transparent as I can possibly be. The more visible I've become...the more peaceful I've become. I fell like there's less to hide. There's so much energy that goes into hiding and secrecy. (She defines the difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy = fear / creates separateness). Being transparent is...a courageous act, it's a loving act. It also relates us to each other because I feel like if we were to put everything out on the table we'ed be really shocked to see the thread of continuity that connects us all. The biggest suffering moments for me are when I really do feel separate from people. ...It (the song) also points toward what unconditional love would feel like. When I hear that song it shifts my cells to the point where I can actually feel what unconditional love feels like just listening to it. It really encapsulates what the last few years of my life has really been about. It's been about, not only trying to attract into my life people who love me as unconditionally as the song describes, but for me to accept those parts of myself, you know? So, not wanting to be this perfect, good, happy person. But also not wanting to sort of drown in my own depression and cynicism, you know, and having everything in between be ok."

Couldn't have said it better about my own life Alanis! Thank you!

Check out this video to see what I'm saying:

Authentic Teacher?

My family grew up in nature, on an acreage in a small town in Saskatchewan. All my childhood and teenaged life I moved at a pace or vibration that was in tune with nature's pulse. My mother taught me spirituality as it was guided by my heart. I remember searching and questioning my greater purpose for being here when I was still in single digits. As an adult I live in the city - the vibration is different here. Nature grounds me in a way that allows me to be myself. This is the reason I love snowboarding so much! I get to feel the wind on my face, crisp air in my lungs and move in a way that makes me feel alive! Fresh Air! It's what I miss about travel. It's what I miss about my life! In St. Albert - I'm quick to get outside to shovel my driveway because I get to be outside in the fresh air! Nature gives time to slowdown, to process, to get in tune. To me, nature and spirituality are one.

I didn't notice this vibrational difference at first. I hadn't spent too much time in Calgary consecutively. I travelled Australia, moved back to Saskatoon, traveled Thailand, traveled Canada. Calgary was essentially my homebase on and off for about 9 years. As Calgary changed, grew, evolved and boomed into what is known world wide as a one of the Oil & Gas capitals, the vibration changed. My partner and I left in the middle of it and moved to New Zealand. It was only once I got to New Zealand that I was reminded how much I love nature. The pace of life there was "cruisey." People put down their pens or hammers when the surf was good. Businesses were closed on Sunday's and had modified hours on Saturdays. Forget going to the bank after 4:30 any day of the week where we were living!

New Zealand reminded me that I need to be in nature to stay grounded so I can breathe! To be honest though - I did not see this right away. It's something I have learned in hind-sight.

It's amazing how nature parallels spirituality in my life. The more connected I am with nature, the more connected I am with spirit. In 2006, coming home from New Zealand showed me that in a raw way. (again - not right away, in hind-sight). We went from chilled out ocean front living in a culture that lives in harmony with nature's cycles, to BOOM-ing Calgary! Wowsa! People were doing the jobs of many, money was drawn in from the entire world through the oil and gas industry. From my work post on Stephen Avenue, right in the heart of downtown Calgary, I watched. I saw many beautiful, bright and loving people. As I spent more time in the concrete jungle away from nature, started to see the dark. I watched "Average Joe's" change into people who worked too much - I noticed the loneliness - I noticed people with waaaaay too much money and not enough love. With these traits together I saw good people make bad decisions. The greed and unquenchable thirst that pervaded the beautiful city of Calgary was astounding. I couldn't help but see this all as manic behaviour! Everything from the crazy rise in the price of housing, pocket millionaires, the hours people worked, the indulgence, the lust! Everyday, with pure amazement, I watched this go on. (When I read the Bhagavad Gita for the first time last year - Chapter 16 spelled out what I saw in some Calgary sub-cultures).

Me - being the one who likes to explore, did. I thought I would be able to maintain myself though it - but if one lesson my dad taught me rang true at this time, it was:  "You are who you hang around with!" It was a lot of fun. Not all the best decisions were made - but I learned a LOT in the process. The biggest being that my consciousness wouldn't let me stick around to dance with the devil for too long. It had to stop. I had to shift my focus of what I saw in the city I fell in love with many years earlier.

The experience taught me so much realness, so much compassion, love, understanding, commitment, so much filth, hurt and pain. It taught me how important using power for good really is - big or small. It taught me the dark side of passion. It inspired me to work toward building something to get people out into nature (I'll save my vision for another post).

It taught me how transparent I am. How much I'm willing to share. It taught me that really good people can make really big mistakes and they should be forgiven. It helps me to spot my true friends. True friends are those I can share my darkest hour with and they allow me to have it, help me to grow out of it and learn from my experience.

Today, winter solstice, the darkest day of the year - I have been contemplating the days I danced in the dark. I have been contemplating my own pureness. I've been asking myself; am I a fake as a yoga teacher or am I an authentic teacher? As I contemplated this, I found three quotes:

"I found my purpose by going straight into what scared me. Whatever brings you to the mat - alcoholism, abuse, divorce - will be the place from where you'll serve." ~Seane Corn

"full awakening comes when you sincerely look at yourself, deeper than you've imagined and question everything." ~Adyashanti

"Those old habits don't have to be erased, they just become replaced by a new habit that is more in vibrational harmony with who you are and what you want." ~Abraham

My experience has freed me from judgment and moved me to understanding. It helps me to foster more love and compassion for those "bad" people. There are no "bad" people, only ignorant or good people making bad choices and they shall be forgiven. It drives me deeper into my understanding of myself and I know I am not bound to the decisions of my past. My experience IS what makes me an authentic teacher. Beyond all the studying of the practice, the philosophies, the eight limbs of classical yoga. Beyond all the workshops, all the trainings, all the daily practice - who I am at the root, at the core is what makes me authentic. The fact that I am me and I learn from my mistakes and am not afraid to share,  makes me an authentic teacher. The realness that is Jana Renee is the authenticness that makes me a teacher. The only place I can teach from is experience, it is the only thing I know. I remind myself every day that these experiences are mine alone and not to apply my life onto others. However, I can have compassion from a place of an open mind and an open heart - that is what helps to build me as an authentic teacher.

My girlfriend Juliana said to me the other day, "The dark has no choice to become light if even just one candle is lit." I feel that even though I danced in the dark, I left a light wherever I stepped.

Winter Weekend Wonderland!

Last weekend, my partner and I had planned to go to Fernie for a weekend on the hill. This would have been the first time I had been out since the weekend in Jasper were I broke my back on the hill. I had been imagining playing in the snow, wearing all my gear: my brand new boots, my beloved one piece snow suit, mittens, helmet - the whole sha-bang! I imagined my face hurting from the huge smile that graces my face every time I get on the top of a mountain, in nature, playing, feeling the wind as I carve down the mountain.

Funny how manifesting works some times! Mother nature had other plans for us last weekend. The roads were so bad that Craig (along with RCMP advisories to stay off the road) pulled the plug on our mini vacation! The snow kept falling all day, I think we must have got half a foot! When I was thinking about what I wanted to do instead of snowboarding in Fernie, the huge amount of snow on my driveway called.

I put on my entire snow gear - my brand new boots, my beloved one piece snow suit, mittens, toque - the whole sha-bang! Plus, I put my iPod on with my newly downloaded Shimshai album and my new BFF Alanis Morrisette's MTV unplugged album. Grabbed the shovel and got to work! It was seriously the most beautiful evening. I was practically dancing the snow off my driveway! Mr. Craig came out to join me. We both had our iPod's on and were in our own worlds, bumping shovels ever now and again. I was giggling out loud. Funny how we create for ourselves sometimes. I experienced ever part of my manifestation for Fernie - just in a slightly different setting! I supposed I need to get more clear in my manifestations. I forgot to imagine the actual act of snowboarding - just the clothing and the feelings that come along with it! And yes - my face hurt after from smiling!

Once our driveway was done, I wanted to stay out and play - we moved our way down the block and shoveled for our neighbours (we probably owe them a few!). I still wanted to play... so I went and filled my yard with snow angels! I did one for each of you who have inspired me over the past couple months... Thank you all my angels! (I only have the camera on my phone right now and it's not so good at night shots... here's one though!)

Sometimes when I'm out travelling I run into people who can't understand why I would choose to live in such a cold land. Last Friday was exactly why I choose to live here. The snow fell so softly, it was cold, but not too cold. The snow sparkles! When I woke up last Friday morning and got stuck driving to my morning yoga session - all I could think with a smile was "Oh Canada!!! It's like billions of little blessings from the Heavens! Thank you!!"

Communication with my Soul

What is the breath? Beyond the exchange of carbon dioxide and oxygen and all the technical stuff about the breath I've been taught in science class, what is the breath?

With this body, I took my first breath shortly after being born. I came out with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck three times. My dad held his breath until I took my first breath. My mom said he almost passed out! When I take my last breath - it will be the end of this magical carpet ride with this physical body. For years, I barely paid attention to my breath. It grabs my attention when I laugh so hard its difficult to catch. Or those times when I've cried so long and hard that my breath comes in two or three mini inhales and out with a sigh. (You know the one...). During a jog or a good work out my breath becomes apparent. When I was working a desk job, I would be sitting in complete concentration focused on my computer, working so heavily in my head and all of a sudden realize that I was holding my breath! I would take a huge gasp and think, "Wow! How am I still living?!?!" In Peru hiking at high altitudes - I couldn't believe how quickly I was out of breath! The sights themselves were enough to take my breath away!

Understanding my breath has never been a task I have taken on until beginning the practice of yoga. Nor did I realize that it's something I would even be interested in. To be perfectly honest, it has been something I have taken for granted.

In Donna Fahri's Book "The Breathing Book" she talks about how in other languages, the word for breath has much more meaning. "In Greek, psyche pneuma, meant breath / soul / air / spirit. In Latin, anima spiritus, breath / soul. In Japanese, ki, air / spirit; and in Sanskrit, prana connoted a resonate life force that is at no time more apparent to us than when that force is extinguished at the moment of death."

The definition of yoga at its most basic form is to unite body, mind and spirit. With this in mind, I start my practice. Seated. Tuning in to my breath. Every time. Think about this. If breath is synonymous with spirit or soul - at the start of every practice I tune into my spirit, my soul. As do the vast majority of yogi's out there. To tune in without judgement or an attempt to change anything - simply observe my breath - I listen to my soul. What is it saying?

After a few moments of pure awareness of my breath (soul), I summon my breath forth. Welcome it deeper into my body, lengthening my inhalations and exhalations. I summon forth my soul. To do this I must engage my mind. Before I have even started moving - the practice of yoga begins. Eliciting my breath (Soul) deep into my body by means of my mind.

Using the English definition of breath - I failed to see this connection of breath with spirit. Drawing upon the wisdom of other languages has deepened my practice even further. Now everyday when I take time to sit and observe my breath - I listen more attentively. I notice how it is moving through my body, the length and the ease with which it flows with new meaning.

My soul talks to me and I listen.

No wonder yoga has such a focus on breath!

Why not take 5 minutes out of each of your days to communicate with your Soul?